


Do Not Block the Moan Hole

by Bluebird_Rose



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: But it's Spoken Dialogue, Dialogue-Only, Humor, Ice Cream Dates, Loki's Machinations, M/M, Original Coin Bank Character, Strong Cursed Vibes, chatfic, it's fine don't worry about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29511252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebird_Rose/pseuds/Bluebird_Rose
Summary: Loki creates a wonderful gift for Thor. Thor fails to demonstrate adequate levels of appreciation. It all works out okay in the end. Don’t worry about it.
Relationships: Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 33





	Do Not Block the Moan Hole

**Author's Note:**

> okay so you know how sometimes you are just browsing through amazon to see what Loki products they have and you find this coin bank that would seem to be just a normal coin bank but then you paste the product link into your groupchat and then your brain twists a little to the left and you make a cursed lil dialogue-only horror ramble about loki creating the coin bank for thor as a gift with Ulterior Motives and then you copy that dialogue-only fic into your gdocs and let it sit there for several months and mature until one day you are poking around in there and rediscover the Horror and think, oh boy with just a slight mild to severe beating with the Editing Cosh this collection of words could be a chatfic that is published and shared with all and sundry?
> 
> no? just me? alright fair enough

**Loki:** ta-daa~

 **Thor:** …

 **Thor:** What is it?

 ** **Loki:**** it’s a fully-functional coin bank

 **Thor:** ...

 **Loki:** you put the coins in, right here

 **Loki:** just, pop 'em in

 **Thor:** …

 **Thor:** *horrified silence*

 **Loki:** ...

 **Loki:** you don't like it

 **Thor:** No, no! I do! I like it.

 **Loki:** don't lie to me

 **Thor:** No it is lovely, it looks just like you!

 **Thor:** A real beanpole of a container, perfect.

 **Thor:** It's just, uh

 **Thor:** Did you have to make it anatomically correct?

 **Loki:** what do you mean

 **Thor:** ...I feel uncomfortable depositing coins into a facsimile of your asshole.

 **Loki:** you can put in bills too

 **Thor:** That is not at all what I was referring to.

 **Loki:** bottle caps too, if you don't have any cash but want to feel like you have accomplished something

 **Thor:** I feel like you're not hearing me...

 **Loki:** did you hear it moan

 **Thor:** Yes, I very much did.

 **Loki:** and?

 **Thor:** And that brings up a second point - why does it moan my name?

 **Loki:** do you want it to moan something else?

 **Thor:** Why does it have to moan at all???

 **Loki:** you just want it to accept the coins or bills or bottle caps without giving anything in return?

 **Thor:** The moan is FOR me?

 **Loki:** who else would it be for??? It is YOUR Name!!!

 **Thor:** Alright, alright

 **Thor:** I feel like we are getting off topic here.

 **Thor:** Does it have to be the asshole?

 **Loki:** where else are you gonna stick the coins

 **Loki:** in the mouth? that is not good for anyone

 **Loki:** what if it chokes

 **Thor:** Loki, does this need to breathe?

 **Loki:** it'll be fine if you don't stick stuff in its mouth, don't worry about it

 **Thor:** ...

 **Loki:** well I know when a gift is not wanted

 **Loki:** I will just take it back

 **Thor:** I just put 50 cents in there-

 **Loki:** and you are not getting it back either, with the way you have behaved here today

 **Loki:** ungrateful

 **Thor:** ...

 **Thor:** I’m sorry?

 **Loki:** you SHOULD be

 **Thor:** Look Loki, I truly am sorry. I love it.

 **Thor:** ...even though the muscular reactions are a bit off-putting.

 **Loki:** look, if the muscles don’t respond like a real asshole what are we even doing here

 **Loki:** that twitch is essential

 **Loki:** and I’m TRYING to give you a gift

 **Loki:** an incentive to save money

 **Thor:** Loki, we are literal PRINCES with a VAULT and JEWELS and literal hunks of GOLD ON THE WALLS.

 **Loki:** yes but

 **Loki:** don't you feel a sense of accomplishment when you slip a coin into its asshole

 **Thor:** Very much No.

 **Thor:** I feel like I’m committing a crime.

 **Thor:** In fact, if it weren't for the pleasured moan I would be SURE I was committing a crime.

 **Loki:** see, the moan IS useful

 **Loki:** that's why you don't put coins in the mouth

 **Loki:** that and, choking hazard

 **Thor:** So it DOES need to breathe?!

 **Loki:** did I ever say it didn't????

 **Thor:** WHY does it need to breathe?

 **Loki:** how will it moan without air???

 **Thor:** I-

 **Thor:** I feel like each question just raises further questions with you.

 **Loki:** why do you have to ask questions at all

 **Loki:** just save money, put a coin in its asshole, it will moan in pleasure, save up some more money, put a bill in there, enjoy the moan, eventually withdraw the funds, and take me out for ice cream

 **Loki:** it's that simple

 **Loki:** why do you have to make everything a whole complicated production

 **Thor:** Loki, I’m not the one-

 **Thor:** Oh my god, is it crying??

 **Loki:** have you fed it a coin recently

 **Thor:** It EATS????

 **Loki:** do NOT put a coin in its mouth we have been over this

 **Loki:** but yes, if you do not feed its asshole the proper amount of coins, periodically it will begin to cry

 **Loki:** its an incentive

 **Thor:** An INCENTIVE

 **Loki:** see, don’t you want to give it a coin?

 **Loki:** look at its sad tears

 **Thor:** ...Loki, is it sobbing in your voice?

 **Thor:** Did you record yourself crying to create this?

 **Loki:** ...no

 **Loki:** of course not, I have never cried in my life

 **Loki:** and I do not appreciate the slanderous implication that I ever have

 **Loki:** the high level of realism is entirely due to my own craftsmanship and inherent skills

 **Loki:** and before you say it, I definitely did NOT split off a tiny sliver of my soul and store it in the vessel

 **Loki:** I would never do that

 **Loki:** that would be too much, too high a price to pay, how dare you suggest it

 **Thor:** I… I was not going to say that.

 **Thor:** Thank you for the reassurance.

 **Thor:** But, how does it cry then?

 **Loki:** it cries when it does not receive coins

 **Loki:** I do not know how to make it more clear

 **Thor:** I don't have any more coins.

 **Loki:** bills are ok too

 **Loki:** or bottle caps

 **Loki:** honestly, it's not too picky

 **Loki:** but definitely be sure to feed it coins

 **Loki:** in the asshole only

 **Loki:** again, I cannot stress enough how bad of an idea it is to put anything in the mouth

 **Loki:** if you put anything in the mouth the moan hole will be obstructed

 **Loki:** the consequences of blocking the moan hole could be dire… or not

 **Loki:** just don’t do it

 **Thor:** *heavy sigh* How often do I have to feed it coins?

 **Loki:** again, I cannot stress enough how bad an idea it is to place a coin in its mouth

 **Loki:** but, the timing varies

 **Loki:** depending on factors that neither you or I can comprehend

 **Thor:** Okay.

 **Thor:** Alright.

 **Thor:** How much money can this thing even hold?

 **Loki:** enough

 **Loki:** for an ice cream date for me

 **Loki:** and you if you come along too

 **Thor:** ....

 **Thor:** Loki, did you want to go out for ice cream?

 **Loki:** have you saved enough coins?

 **Thor:** Loki I have Money.

 **Thor:** I even have an ice cream gift card.

 **Thor:** None of this was necessary.

 **Loki:** I will NOT purchase ice cream with a gift card like a Poor

 **Thor:** First of all, you never pay for anything you always make me pay.

 **Thor:** And SECOND it was a GIFT CARD I’m not gonna waste it!

 **Thor:** It’s basically the same as cash.

 **Loki:** it’s Very Much Not

 **Loki:** we have been over this before and if you refuse to see the obvious difference then there is nothing I can do to help you

 **Loki:** ...

 **Loki:** however

 **Loki:** if you have saved enough coins I will permit you to take me out for ice cream

 **Thor:** ....

 **Thor:** How do I get the coins out?

 **Loki:** that is what the knife is for, didn't you see it in the box?

 **Thor:** KNIFE?!

 **Loki:** yes

 **Loki:** pre-sharpened

 **Thor:**....

 **Thor:** Now I am definitely committing a crime here.

 **Thor:** Loki, do I have to, uh.

 **Thor:** Do I have to kill it?

 **Loki:** it is not alive, but no

 **Loki:** thank you for jumping right to violence, as always

 **Loki:** to retrieve the coins just, brandish the knife at the creature

 **Loki:** threaten it a little

 **Loki:** tell it to hand over the coins or forfeit its life

 **Loki:** its programming will make it expel the coins

 **Thor:** .....

 **Thor:** Loki, is this Armed Robbery?

 **Loki:** no no not at all, it's just programming

 **Thor:** It is crying real tears.

 **Loki:** well did you feed it a coin?

 **Thor:** Why would you do this?

 **Loki:** i wanted to do something NICE for you

 **Loki:** go on, brandish

 **Loki:** no, not like that

 **Loki:** you have to hold the absolute truth in your mind that you WILL stab this creature to retrieve your funds, and harden your heart against its pitiful cries

 **Loki:** it will sense your Intentions and Expel the Funds

 **Thor:** *grunt of effort*

*a single clink of a falling coin*

 **Loki:** well

 **Loki:** it’s a start anyway

 **Thor:** Loki

 **Thor:** Why is this coin warm and slightly damp?

 **Loki:** no one likes a cold dry hole

 **Thor:** Loki, the dampness is not wiping off

 **Loki:** yes, it's Persistent

 **Loki:** it’s fine, soon that will be the shopkeep’s problem

 **Loki:** retrieve the rest of the coins, I will be waiting in the carriage

 **Thor:**.....

 **Thor:** I will complete this dark deed and meet you soon.

 **Loki:** ice cream ♡♡

 **Loki:** *gives Thor a cheek kiss*

 **Thor:** *blush*

_FIN_

**Author's Note:**

> here is a little bonus information about the coins  
> after they emerge they are just sliiiiighly changed  
> you know how sometimes if you have a handful of change you can tell by the sound if there is an old coin in there with slightly different composition, or a coin from a foreign land  
> well you can always Tell if a coin has been stored in this bank, afterwards  
> it has a unique property that is nonetheless indescribable  
> but you Know  
> (/・ω・)/✨


End file.
